The silent treatment has officially lasted for a week.
When it began, just before New Year’s Eve I was uneasy. I had experienced silence for a couple days but never this long and what’s more is that my mere existence seems to mean nothing to him.
He has gone so far as to exclude mention of me to the children. I have observed that they have begun to acknowledge to me that they love him and that he is “their Dad”.
I make it a point not to emphasize anything negative in these moments. Although my eyes are surely rolling around in my head.
They have certainly noticed that he omits me and maybe that is why they are mentioning him to me. I have not heard them mention me to him, but by now they are accustomed to hearing his snide remarks about me and to be honest, I have said things to them indicating that his behavior is not to be emulated.
They know.
They repeat.
I am tired of living this way.
This is both an uneasy and a joyful time. Uneasy because I have no idea what is going on in his head right now. Is he monitoring my every move? Is he working with a lawyer?
I don’t know.
What I’m doing is trying my best to move forward and work work work. On this blog and submissions and on my other projects. I need to get out. I set-up my Patreon today and I am writing away.
I have discovered so many people on twitter with similar stories and so my hope is strengthened that I can be a voice for them as well as myself.
But amidst all of this uncertainty are glimmers of hope.
I have maintained a schedule with the kids for 4 days.
Why is this progress?
Remember… he’s not talking to me, so he has not interfered.
By implementing bathtime, I have been able to stick to it and feed the kids right after. If he comes home, because they have not napped, they stay awake for a bit, but are in bed at a decent hour from pure exhaustion.
I feel great about this, because I now have some me-time which means more writing time.
Have I tried a schedule before?
Yes and it’s failed every time.
What I remember the most is that when I fed them dinner early, he complained that it was too early and the schedule he would then dictate as if it were the Gospel seemed entirely dependent upon his coming home with dinner and left little time for me to work on anything. (Since early 2016, we have not had a joint account and any funds I receive are from limited freelance projects or cash he leaves me…. again… so I often cannot buy groceries and have to wait for him… a future post).
He has always been this psychological with his abuse and he is no different than any other abuser, no matter what a wonderful father he is. I know that.
Everything is ALWAYS on his terms.
So I take this week and hold it close. I’ve consistently worked on this blog and hope that it will reach you if you need to make change, if you’ve made change or if you’re like me, in the middle of change.
By maintaining a schedule, we’ll make it. Step by Step on our Path to Freedom.
Synclair
