It happened Monday, as I was putting on my coat to walk out the door: he breaks the silence and continues to inform me why he was not speaking to me.
He continued to break it down step by step, explaining how he came to even read the messages on my iPad. Yes you heard me correctly… and maybe you see where this is going…
My friends had always warned me about a lock on my phone.
But I trusted him.
It could never happen to me, is what I always thought.
… and what did he read?
A message sent by a friend of mine concerning my feelings for someone else. Not sex, not sexting but two women bantering as women friends are oft to do.
Nevermind the discussion before and after. He, my narcissistic and psychologically abusive husband was focused on my betrayal… on how I had disrespected him.
All I wanted to do was laugh.
On the other hand, I was just as horrified regarding his actually peeking at something of mine.
I stood there, heart pounding because these were two worlds that I did not want to collide in this way. But it told me a lot about how trapped I might actually be.
That the mere mention of feelings and someone else made him stop talking to me for 10 days was frightening. Had I participated in a physical affair, had he caught a legitimate scandal what might he had done… my mind went wild with violent scenarios, but logically, something more extreme seems to fit-in with his behavior.
Even still, had he been an emotionally supportive partner, feelings of remorse might be warranted no matter the affair: sexual or emotional.
This situation was absurd.
It made me sick.
It made me laugh.
The message he saw said,
that you have feelings for him…
This prompted him to slide open the iPad without my distinct cover that he explained the kids likely removed.
It was on my side of the bed,
he further explained the next morning when I pointed out that his iPad has a large distinguishable crack and mine does not.
He started cursing between saying that at 3am, who is going to make that distinction.
So you’ve treated me like crap since 2012 and you stop talking to me over a discussion of feelings?!
I was still taking all of this in.
Well if I’ve treated you like crap I’m going to treat you like shit now.
It went back and forth, I even pulled the conversation out after he called me a liar, as if I had something to hide.
That my heart is looking elsewhere should be no surprise.
My closest friends have encouraged emotional affairs for years.
This situation feels chaotic. I’m trapped financially with poor credit and a tremendous lack of freedom in many areas of my life and this man had the gall to be hurt and offended…
But he didn’t sign up for this either. I am more empathetic than perhaps I should be and more than anyone expects.
In the days that have followed since the silence has broken, there have been waves of silence. Overall he does not know how to be in a relationship. I heard him in the phone for work last week “laying down the law”. Effective in business and not effective in a relationship where there are two participants and not a boss.
I scare myself sometimes because I wanted a loving relationship with all of its over communicating and arguments and make-up sex. I want whatever a relationship between two people that expect each other would entail.
I can handle the bad after this.
This is ugly.
I know he’s depressed but how long should I be expected to stay. I know it’s not helping the children. But does moving around help them?
These are my questions that I will explore and expound here. It’s not easy for anyone. It’s never black and white.
Can I do it?
Now that he’s crossed yet another line.
How broken do I have to be until I get it….?