HomeBaby Steps

Oh S.N.A.P.!

Oh S.N.A.P.!
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He doesn’t like my schedule which he has noted.  It started slowly.  A comment here, a comment there.  Every other day maybe.  And then by the weekend when he is home, complete obliteration!

They nap later and Sunday night I woke them up around 6pm and carefully got them to the bath tub….

My daughter got in fine and so did my son until he wanted a toy he couldn’t find… within a couple minutes the blame was there being thrown at me because was crying and not very happy over the missing toy during his tubtime.

Blame being thrown at me, but never really “at me…”

Of course…wake them up and they’re gonna cry …

He says under his breath, passing the bathroom looking in and walking down the stairs.  

It’s as if he will do anything he can to hijack the schedule.

He fights it everyday until he gives in a little.  By the end of this week he had begun instructing the kids when it was time for bed, but still judging things like dinner.

Tonight he says,

What was that? It was just blah.  No taste and the rice was soggy.

The kids ate, which is all that really matters to me anymore.

Did you like it?, I asked telling myself not to ask.  (I was actually surprised he ate it…)

What it was wouldn’t matter to him. I just laughed.  There was something he said and I laughed so hard I cried.

It felt good to laugh… and let out my aggression in a funny way.

Like Donald Trump, he barely laughs… not at me… not with me… not anymore.   With the kids, yes.

He then asked about a bill.  That was his way of making some sort of peace.

But everything is momentary.

Maybe an hour or two later he was upstairs telling our daughter she was regressing and going to be “retarded” because she wants to snuggle with me before falling asleep.

We co-Sleep and honestly it has saved me quite a bit of grief.

He’s only tried to have sex once since we moved here. That’s for another blog post.

A couple hours after bed, I awake and he’s awake and talking to me.  He does that… just starts talking as if I’m already awake.  Maybe he saw an eye open.  Maybe he saw me roll over…  Whatever it was he just started talking… and then yelling…

I fear what my kids hear in their dreams.  What am I doing to them?  Why am I still here?

I applied for S.N.A.P. (Food Stamps).

Finally got the application submitted and now I wait.  I started it and then didn’t finish, a bad habit… I’m an “opener” as Gretchen Rubin might say, instead of a “finisher”.

I am always starting things … new ideas… but often lack that energy to complete.  Maybe it is my type of depression.  Opening gives the illusion that I am making progress, but with so many things open, how can I manage anything?

He hates when I begin to talk sense.  He starts shouting as he was moments ago (I’m finishing this at 2am), that he hates when I start speaking in that calm tone.

But back to S.N.A.P.

It’s my first step. He doesn’t give me money for food on a consistent basis and complains if he gets home and no one ate.  That is also why I have really started to own the schedule, to give the children and myself the building blocks for good habits.

The kids love a schedule! Regular bath time at the same time every day signal the end of the day.

A friend thought that he possibly likes us off a schedule (even if he complains about not having one when we didn’t) because he wants me tired and unfocused.  It’s a way to control me and the situation.

I think that friend was right.

He has regularly begun blocking the schedule in subtle yet noticeable ways and I am getting weaker.

I’m holding out for S.N.A.P.

I need to be able to make my own decisions…. He always talks about “taking back his life”, well I need the power to take back mine.

It is getting more and more difficult.  Some days I want to roll over, cover my head and just sleep… but I remember my dreams.  I remember that I still believe in love.

I believe in love so much I can smell it… feel it’s embrace.

I can do this… for me… for my kids…

Oh snap… here we go!