I want to be in love.
One thing about me: I am a hopeless romantic. It is part of my Love Language. I love a relationship for the beauty it should produce.
I won’t say that my husband is a bad person, because I don’t believe anything is ever that Black and white.
He’s depressed and has a mountain of things that I probably don’t know about in his life. He was never that easy to get to know the way I was had gotten to know other men I dated.
In that respect he taught me a lot about observing people. Something I naturally did, but with him, I have needed to do it more and I still struggle.
Someone once tried to read his aura and he was blocking. They couldn’t get very far.
It was a telling moment, and I have had many – over and over. Telling moment after moment. Stop sign after Stop sign…
I know that all the men in my life have served different purposes. I have learned and continue to learn in some cases. I value relationships a great deal and perhaps have needed to really value the relationship with myself before partnering with another.
I am well on my way to being a person I want to share with another.
I was unable to take care of my husband in this marriage. He was unable to emotionally take care of me. Sure, he provides – does that well – so well it can often be seen as controlling… especially to someone likes me who wants to talk it out.
Unfortunately he has never been one to put me at ease in that regard. If I don’t like that he doesn’t communicate, he just doesn’t communicate. He doesn’t try to make me feel better or feel that he has to.
He has never apologized. He has done things that are his way of apologizing, but he doesn’t believe in it.
I used to feel bad about fantasizing about other men. But in reality, he has never taken care of me in that way.
Some say, well you have two kids, and my response is that getting pregnant can be fairly easy. It doesn’t mean there was passion or that I even felt taken care of.
I did my best to be present and I was. I was there and I hoped he would see me, but he is hurt and has so many walls that I have never been able to break through.
He needs love, but he needs it on his terms. That is likely why being a parent suits him. He is in control and can dictate to impressionable minds that look up to him (literally) that his way is the right way.
But be careful…. once they decide they want to love a different way he often discards them. Rejects that type of love as something they are not supposed to do.
That has been the frightening experience of raising children with him. I have to combat the pink is for girls, blue is for boys mentality.
I need my children to be in a healthy and loving environment as soon as humanly possible.
I dream of it, but I really want to make it a reality.
Today I did quite a bit of daydreaming because as I become this person I want to share it with someone and I want to love someone in a way I have never allowed myself before. The additional piece is that this person will love me. Not the me he wants me to be.
The me I love so much…
So today’s horoscope via The Astro Twins was pretty telling… I had been dreaming of someone… allowing myself that pleasure of a happy ending with an available someone.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
…Shed that armor, drop your guard and let your emotions rise to the surface. The cosmos draw out your sentimental side, so if you’re inclined to give someone else the wheel for a change, go for it. Relax your grip when it comes to your relationships, and you could find yourself awash in romantic or pleasure-filled vibes. Just don’t let your big heart get sucked into a savior dynamic with someone. Spend your precious time with people who have what it takes to fully participate in a healthy and sincere partnership.
So for now, I know I was in the right place with my daydreams today.
And I look forward to change and to love and to peace. Loads and loads of peace.